I’d been drinking for a few hours and inevitably the time came for me to need the toilet. I’ve not drank beer in a long time, and all I knew right then was that I needed to piss immediately. My friend Desi was about to perform a striptease for a lass who’s birthday it was, but if I was quick I’d get back in time.
Making my way to the toilet, I noticed the queue. I wasn’t going to make it back in time.
The party I was at I didn’t know if I’d get back in quite so easily if I just went outside, and because the place was tiny there was nowhere to sneakily piss in a pint glass. So all that was really left was to wait. A lot of people were mangled and took their sweet time in the toilet. There was two doors, but only one was in use.
There was this bloke in front of me, and he had some woman attached to his face but she left which was a small relief in itself as at least I knew they weren’t waiting to have a shag in the toilet and that cut the queue time by about a minute or two.
He quickly introduced himself as Sid, with a massive grin on his face, laughing. He sounded English, but I’m terrible with pinpointing accents. We got talking, mostly about how much we both needed a piss and that we couldn’t believe the queue was so long, and then he mentioned needing MDMA or something and that he once had a party on a Nuclear Submarine. He laughed more.
I should have asked more about the Nuclear Submarine but I was mostly concentrating on not pissing on this bloke I’d just met.
I’ve never been offered a casual tic tac in a toilet queue before, and I’d drunkenly convinced myself it was a funny shape and was probably some drug, so rather than pathetically hand back this singular tic tac I slipped it in my pocket when Sid was distracted and just pretended to take it once he was looking back at me. He was happy, real happy. He laughed a lot again. So I matched his enthusiasm assuming he was off it and that I was enjoying being off it, too.
Sid was next in line, he promised he’d be quick. He was.
I finally got into the toilet.
And then it happened, I pissed. I pissed so urgently that it actually hurt and I let out a silent scream. Then it was over. And I went back to the party having missed my friend perform.
I forgot about the tic tac until the day after and I found it in my pocket. Looking at it now, it does actually look like an authentic tic tac. And now I’m just convinced this bloke called Sid remembers me as this quiet Yorkshire bloke he met in a toilet queue that got real enthusiastic real quick about tiny mints. Brilliant.